DEAD OR ALIVE

"It's all the same. Only the names will change."

-Jon Bon Jovi from "Wanted Dead or Alive."

Over the weekend, I sat down with a list of WWE superstars. It was my intention to craft an editorial on either one of the wrestlers who deserves more credit than he has been given or to forge a scathing review of one of the many wrestlers who not only should be lowered on the WWE ladder but possibly removed from television altogether.

I chose the latter.

However, rather than focus on one of the many stains on what could otherwise be a wonderful wrestling company, I found that I couldn't choose. So many personalities infuriated me for one reason or another. Whether it be in-ring ability or backstage problems, the list became enormous, almost eclipsing most of the roster. I defend some lesser WWE employees constantly. "They're not so bad," I'll remark. Or "He's not very good, but he respects the business and works hard, at least."

Some have pushed me too far, though. I've lost some of my passion for the WWE, and while it could be easy to blame myself, it's even easier to blame others.

(Yes, you'll find dark humor throughout the column.)

I want them out of the main event. They've forced great athletes to never see that Pay-Per-View WWE Championship or World Heavyweight Championship match. Sometimes, I want them off WWE television entirely. They take up space and oxygen. They are wanted for punishment or removal. Wanted by the wrestling community that is sick and tired of their antics.

They are Wanted: Dead or Alive.

Mark Henry. An immobile piece of human waste. He can't wrestle. He can't speak. He can't do anything that does not involve lifting a truck or grunting. Henry was recently in the Raw main event against Bill Golberg. Not surprisingly, it wasn't exactly what you'd call a technical classic. He may even compete at Survivor Series. His bulky presense is taking that spot away from talent that is actually...well...talented! The reason for Henry's constant attempts at being pushed? The WWE is only trying to get their money's worth.

In 1996, Mark Henry was granted a WWE contract, despite the glaringly obvious fact that he couldn't wrestle. He was given this prize, which is sought after by most grapplers in North America, because he was an Olympic weight lifter. That's it. He is strong. Henry is a massive hoss, and sometimes, that is good enough for the higher-ups in World Wrestling Entertainment. I guess that's what is passing for "entertainment," eh?

That isn't the worst of it, though. The contract, if sources are correct, weighs in at a hefty $300,000 downside (which means he generally will make more from merchandise, etc.) and lasts ten years. If my basic math is correct, we still have about three years of Henry left to consume. Here's hoping the WWE is learning their leason and opts not to renew.

Jerry "The King" Lawler. A hard-working, fast-talking wrestler in the old days. Now? Someone who, whether by his own or by fault of the WWE bookers, is harming Raw programming in more ways than one. Lawler is in his fifties, and while Ric Flair has proved that men of legendary talent can still work at that age, The King is not one of them. Lawler took part in Raw matches and even a Pay-Per-View this year. Probably not his idea, so I can't judge him for that too harshly. He's not a booker.

What I can, and will, judge is his constant comments during Women's Divison matches that leave me cringing. Wrestlers like Trish Stratus, Victoria, and Molly Holly all work their damndest (my column, so I say "damndest" is a word) every week. While some men may not want to hear this, a lot of the women are better wrestlers than a good chunk of the male population of the WWE. Maybe Lawler realizes that, and maybe he doesn't. Whatever it is, he still cries for "puppies" and makes lude remarks during the matches of these talented women. Wrestlers deserve better than that. They give it their all, and they are repayed by being made out as only eye candy by our color commentator.

Frankly, I wish his comments were a lot less colorful.

Bill Goldberg. His stumblings on the ropes and walking down the aisle are not the most embarrassing Goldberg moments for the WWE. That would be the moment he won the World Heavyweight Championship.

Goldberg is a bad worker. I've read discussions of this that has shown some intelligent wrestling fans claim Bill Goldberg is at least "okay." I disagree. "Okay" is not utilizing a very dull moveset. "Okay" is not having one's greatest claim to fame being their look. "Okay" is not yelling incoherently. "Okay" is not being unsafe towards your fellow wrestlers. "Okay" is not mocking Raw MVP Chris Jericho. "Okay" is not talking down to wrestling fans, which he has done so many times in so many interviews.

Let's say none of that matters. Let's say Bill Goldberg really is "okay." Is "okay" enough to justify a World title reign while superior Raw atheletes like Lance Storm and Booker T may never hold the belt? No. Not one bit. Bill Goldberg makes me embarrassed to watch Raw.

Paul "The Big Show" Wight. He is both the biggest wrestler in the WWE and the biggest disappointment. Not by myself. "Disappointment" implies I was expecting more than what we've seen. I don't expect much from major hosses (with a few exceptions) but clearly the WWE does. Why else would they sign him to a ten-year contract with a guarantee of at least $1,000,000 a year. Not including merchandise sales and PPV pay-offs. In the days that have seen the WWE fall from being able to be called a billion dollar company, Paul Wight, once his contract is up, will have eaten far more than ten million. Yum.

If that isn't enough, Wight is only a so-so wrestler. To his credit, he tries. He does. He's simply not that good. Certainly not nearly good enough to constantly take the Smackdown main event spots away from gifted athletes like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero. His crime is not entirely of his own doing. I don't dislike the man. It is simply the crime of mediocrity.

Jean-Paul "Triple H" Levesque. His crimes are many, but so not to create an entire column just for this man, I will limit it to two.

1.) I am a romantic, and while I can see the beauty in the recent marriage of Levesque and Stephanie McMahon, even we romantics cannot fool ourselves. This is a terrible conflict of interests. Levesque has been and will continue to receive special treatment.

2.) His wrestling ability in 2002 and 2003 does not warrant his massive World Championship reign. He has managed to put together a couple good matches with Shawn Michaels, one with Booker T, and a brief one with Ric Flair. I've watched him these past two years. I'm no amateur jumping on the Triple H hate bandwagon. He simply didn't deserve the belt this year.

Until his loss to Goldberg in Septemeber, Triple H held the World Heavyweight Championship for eleven of those previous twelve months. Nearly unheard of in modern day's championship reigns. I can see it being done for a man of incredible and consistent talent like Kurt Angle. Not Triple H. The worst part of it all is that he will soon return from his honeymoon to reclaim the title again. Not that I'd want it on Goldberg, but I think it should be dropped to just about anyone else.

Guarantee: Triple H will be World Champion at Survivor Series at the earliest, or Wrestlemania at the latest. My money is on sooner rather than later, though.

Vince McMahon. I can't even begin to explain all his booking blunders this year. Instead, I will simply name all the PPV matches this year in which he has either egotistically given himself or his family:

Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania.

Vince McMahon vs. Zach Gowen at Vengeance.

Stephanie McMahon vs. Sable at Vengeance.

Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff at Summerslam.

Shane McMahon vs. Kane at Unforgiven.

Vince McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon at No Mercy.

Shane McMahon vs. Kane at Survivor Series.

Vince McMahon vs. The Undertaker at Survivor Series.

I may have missed one, but isn't that enough? The year isn't even over yet. December could give us yet another McMahon match. Shane is the only one who can wrestle, and unless he wants to do it full-time (which he won't because he can see the conflict of interest) and make a career of it like the real wrestlers of the WWE, he needs to stay off Pay-Per-View.

All McMahons must stay off Pay-Per-View. It has been one of the major factors that have ruined 2003's quality.

In conclusion...

This year is shaping up to be labeled one of the worst in recent memory. McMahons have stolen attention away from gifted wrestlers rather than help put them over. Triple H, whether he has any political power or not, has squashed almost everyone who had a chance of making a name for themself in the Raw main event. Money is disappearing. Fans are exiting more than entering.

I don't know with any certainty what the WWE could add to its programming to make it the company that flourished not too long ago...

...but I think we all have a general idea on where they can cut the fat.