IF I WERE KING OF THE FOREST - PART ONE

If there is one activity at which internet wrestling fans excel, it is complaining. Whining and moaning that their company of choice, be it WWE, NWA, Ring of Honor, or the plethora of smaller federations, isn't what it once was or isn't what it could be. Many of these rants are directed not at the wrestlers but at management. The booker, writers, owners, presidents, or even those workers who simply have some backstage clout. I try to focus my negative feelings into positive columns, but often I merely complain like every other schmo who was displeased with Ring of Honor's awful cross-promotional night of wrestling with Jersey All-Pro Wrestling, NWA's signing of showkiller Hulk Hogan, or the WWE throughout much of last year. Insults thrown at poor booking without a thought to what could be better in its place.

No more.

It is time for this wrestling critic to put up or shut up. I've followed professional wrestling for about twenty years. It is a large part of my life. One of my greatest passions. I'd like to think, after watching for a long time, that I have a strong knowledge of what is good and what is bad wrestling. So, I present a two-part column that is half critique and half pure fantasy about the WWE. A plan that, if I were in charge of the direction of the company, what would I do differently? The first part, what you see today, will be about the Raw brand. The second, to be released later, will be about Smackdown.

--RAW--

As it stands now, as of this writing, Triple H is the World Heavyweight Champion while Shawn Michaels and Goldberg are the top main eventers in the hunt for that title. Ric Flair and Batista are the World Tag Team Champions while The Dudley Boyz are major contenders. Randy Orton is the Intercontinental Champion with Rob Van Dam looking to regain his belt. Molly Holly is the Women's Champion with Victoria seeking that division's title. Other individuals with a lot of television time include Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Booker T, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, despite not being a wrestler. All clear? Good. Time to get my hands dirty...

--THE MAIN EVENT--

On Raw, there are three major main eventers at present. Triple H, Goldberg, and Michaels. Triple H put on a hell of a match at the end of the year, but even with that in the picture, his repetoire is limited due to his nagging injuries. He has it all there mentally. The timing and psychology. His body, however, cannot cooperate with them anymore. It takes the likes of the Heartbreak Kid to bring a four star match out of our World Champion. I hope Triple H continues to improve from 2002 and most of 2003's lackluster performances, but I don't want him to do so as a main eventer. In my Raw, I still have a top position for him, but it isn't as World Champion. I'll deal with what it is later in this piece. For now, he's out of the main event.

Shawn Michaels moves from sometimes main eventer to full main eventer. HBK has stated publicly that he is in good enough shape to handle a full-time schedule. He is even working house shows. Shawn Michaels is still, even at his age, one of the best performers on the WWE roster. Yes, I want to give main event spots to younger talent as well, but with Michaels in one of the top spots, there are more chances for dream matches. Michaels should not be Champion much, if it all, but often be in contendership for it. I'll get into that later. Chris Jericho moves from upper midcarder to main eventer. Y2J is Raw's MVP. He's a phenomonal worker, producing some of the top matches of 2003, and even pulled out a decent bout with Goldberg. That's no simple task.

Who takes the third permanent main event spot? Kurt Angle. Yes, it is time for a trade. Months ago, I wrote a column about the possible dream matches Angle could give Raw called Better Off Live. To summarize, with the Olympic Champion on Raw, we can finally have Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels. Kurt Angle vs. Ric Flair. Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam. Angle can also take on Jericho for the World title. They've had midcard and Intercontinental matches before but never a Pay-Per-View one-on-one for the big championship. Trade Angle to Raw and give Smackdown's cruiserweight division Lance Storm. I'll deal with that in the next column.

As much as I like Booker T, in 2004, it's too late for a serious World title reign. Maybe back during 2003's Wrestlemania, but now, I'd prefer to keep him putting over young talent and retiring as he has insisted he will in about a year when his contract has expired. Top midcarders Christian, Rob Van Dam, and Randy Orton can have their shots at the main event, but I don't see any of them holding the title yet. Not even RVD.

--FIRINGS--

Now seems like the perfect opportunity to go into who would be let go if I were in charge. Why now? Because a current main eventer would get the axe: Bill Goldberg. You're out, Goldberg. You can't work safely. You can't work particularly well at all, in fact. You're not terrible, as you have intensity and the look, but you're not worth the amount of money WWE spends. Take a hike. Maybe NWA-TNA will take you, even though you publicly mocked the entire organization last year. Maybe Ring of Honor...no...they have higher standards. Go home. I won't miss you.

Mark Henry is out too. He's a worse wrestler than Goldberg and the WWE has invested so much money into him that it is ridiculous. He doesn't disrespect the business the way Goldberg does, but he simply has no place in a WWE that focusses on good wrestling. I hate to drop Scott Steiner because he has no much history, most of it good, in professional wrestling. The problem is that he is hanging on to past glory. He isn't worth it anymore. He's not awful, but he's getting there with age and a body that is too big for itself. Rodney Mack is gone as well.

I don't know the ins and outs of the contracts, but there must be a way to release all four men. With the money saved, Raw can look into signing "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels and CM Punk. I have my eye on a couple other workers I'd want to sign, but I'll save those for Smackdown.

--MIDDLE CARD--

Keep the Intercontinental belt on Randy Orton for a while. About half a year ago, I heard cries of "Orton isn't ready for the big time yet" and "He's too green." Not I. From his early days on Smackdown to his current midcard push in 2004, I've always liked him. I knew he had timing, athleticism, confidence, and ability. Plus, he's so young, which means he'll only get better. No World Championship in 2004. Not good enough yet. Some day, though. He hasn't paid enough dues, and frankly, he's not on that level yet. Not with the Raw main event I envision.

Rob Van Dam stays in the midcard. I like Van Dam. Always have. The problem is that I don't think he's ever going to get any better than he is right now. He has remarkable athleticism, but there is just something missing. Christian stays in the midcard for now, but there is hope for more. Also, under my administartion, Matt Hardy finally gets a proper midcard push rather than being squashed by no-talents and sent to Heat.

--THE ROCK, AUSTIN, AND FOLEY--

What to do with three part-time wrestlers whose names are still bigger than everyone else on the roster? Have them put over rising stars, of course. Randy Orton vs. Mick Foley is already set in stone somewhere down the road. Foley was rumored to be facing Triple H as well, but I don't see that as a good idea. It will give a short-term effect of a good match. That's it. Foley, who has admitted that he is willing to wrestle maybe once every six months, should work with more midcard talent. This should be rare, though. No sense in having Foley take away too much Pay-Per-View time from the other midcarders. Come in quick. Do some good. Pull out. The same is true of The Rock. Yes, I would be willing to make one exception to see the dream match of The Rock vs. Shawn Michaels, but besides that, the People's Champ must face Orton and Christian.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin is another matter altogether. He is constantly on television but not in a wrestling role. It is unknown whether or not he would be able to go again, considering his neck problems. If he can go one more time, we can find someone for him. If not, get off my television. Austin should not be Sheriff. It is taking away time from having actual matches. In my Raw, there is a General Manager who is not a large part of the storylines. Only a personality who makes the matches on camera, much like in the day of the fairly neutral Jack Tunney. Austin can't be that man. If he is cheered for attacking babyface Stacy Keibler, he'll be cheered doing anything. Give the role to William Regal. He has a great voice and shouldn't be wrestling anyway.

--TAG TEAMS--

Ric Flair and Batista? No, thank you. Ric Flair and Triple H. That's a championship team. Sorry, Batista. Go to Heat and we'll see what you can do later. For now, I'd like to see Triple H and Ric Flair as the World Tag Team Champions. With HHH's body the way it is, tag team matches make sense. The same goes for Ric Flair. He'll be fifty-five next month. In singles, Flair can do a dream match with Angle, but that's it. Triple H should stay away completely. At least until he proves himself worthy again. He's trying.

Taking into account the fantasy element of this column in that I have full control, I'd sit the Dudley Boyz down for a long talk about their recent ring work without the fear that they would hurt me. I'd ask them why they are still using the same tired moves they've been utilizing for years. I would then suggest that they do something different. They are experienced enough to pull off other tandem moves besides the Dudley Death Drop. I would also ban the "Wassup!?" headbutt. I hate it. Passionately. Hurricane and Rosey would be reinvented as a serious superhero team. X-Men movie style outfits, new music, and perhaps a new name for Rosey. Possibly "Thunder." I haven't decided yet. Hurricane has the talent and Rosey is getting better with time.

--ANNOUNCERS--

A memo to Jerry "The King" Lawler: Stop treating the women wrestlers like sex objects during your commentary. They work hard and deserve to have their matches called correctly. If you can't watch them and come up with something besides "Puppies!" for ten minutes, shut up and let Jim Ross do the play-by-play in peace.

Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman are no longer a two heel annonce team. Either face and face, face and heel, or completely neutral. I'll go with face and face for now. Neither will show up on Raw except to do interviews. Not to be part of the story.

By the way, no announcers, owners, or any other non-wrestlers will ever compete on Heat, Raw, house shows, or Pay-Pay-View. Ever.

--CONCLUSION--

There you have it. Raw my way. A wrestling show that rewards good wrestling. Strange, eh? Do you agree with my ideas and plans? Do you strongly disagree and believe that Goldberg is the man? Do you have ideas of your own that you'd like to share? If so, e-mail me at Trophar@Lycos.com with what you would do to Raw if you had control of the WWE. I'll post a little here and there in the next mailbag.

Next time: Smackdown. I'll see you soon.