IF I WERE KING OF THE FOREST - PART TWO

Welcome back to my two-part column in which I play God with the fates of all WWE superstars. I've talked the talk for almost half a year in my Beauty in Wrestling articles, but now it is time to lay it all out there for the world to see. What would I do? What do I love? What do I hate? Yes, I'm just arrogant enough to do it but just humble enough to take criticism and post it in my mailbag section. The perfect balance.

--SMACKDOWN--

A week ago, I rearranged the face of Raw so much it looks like a Picasso. Follow the link at the end of this page to read my archives, which should have Part One. To enjoy Part Two, all that is needed to know is that Kurt Angle has been traded to Raw and that Lance Storm is now on Smackdown. As of this writing, the Blue Team is about to present a main event of Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly at the Royal Rumble. Holly in the main event? That pustule on the skin of wrestling? Sad but true. Not on my Smackdown, though...

--THE MAIN EVENT--

Hardcore Holly is out. Sorry to all fans of Sparky Plugg, but the man is no main eventer. Maybe the WWE is giving him this one-time spot as a reward for so many years of service. Maybe they believe that we didn't notice that Holly's injury was legitimately his own fault. Maybe they live in an alternate dimension where they think we like him. Whatever the reason, it doesn't fly on my Smackdown. The Big Show is also booted from any chance of seeing the main event before his contract is up as well. I won't fire him, though. He tries so hard. I just don't care for him.

So, what three men will be the top occupants of the main event spot? First and foremost, Chris Benoit. He's my WWE Champion. Easily one of the most experienced and hard-working wrestlers in the world today. If you have read my column, Pegasus: The Charisma Myth, you'll know in what regard I hold Benoit. He is my absolute favorite professional wrestler today. Flawless technical ability. Strong brawling. Grace and stately dignity. Works his damndest every single night. I love Chris Benoit. There is no good reason why he hasn't been made WWE Champion by now. On Smackdown, he is my main man and top babyface.

Next is Eddie Guerrero, who will be my tweener. Tweener? What's a tweener? Well, that is a babyface who acts like a heel or vice versa. Guerrero will take on all opponents. If there is one man who is in contention with Benoit for my favorite wrestler, it is Latino Heat. What is remarkable about this man is that he combines brilliant psychology, technical wrestling, lucha libra manuevers, and marvelous charisma all into one package. Guerrero and Benoit will have a lengthy feud (a la Benoit/Angle) for the WWE Championship.

Rounding out the final main event spot is top heel Brock Lesnar. My favorite big man in the WWE. That is, if 6'4" 295 pounds counts as a big man these days. Not one of my top five workers, but I can tell he may be one day. He needs more matches under his belt. Who better than solid veterans like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero to give him that much more experience? Lesnar is no rookie, but he isn't the man. Yet.

Other Smackdown superstars will receive chances at the main event as well, but those three are my go-to guys. One wrestler who is hovering in the upper midcard and could see the main event from time to time is John Cena. More on him soon.

--FIRINGS--

Ron Simmons, AKA Faarooq, wanted to retire a couple years ago. Yet, for some reason, the WWE would not let the grizzled forty-plus powerhouse rest. He wanted to be a road agent, but with the roster split, the bookers must've decided they needed another tag team and reunited the APA. Simmons, you may retire now. This isn't so much a firing as an answer to a request. Bradshaw, you can have a pink slip too, whether you want it or not. The big Texan has been with the company for a long time, and the sad fact is that this is as good as he is going to get. Hit the showers and go home, Bradshaw. No place for a medicore hoss in my WWE. Go back to writing finance books. Let's see if something besides a professional wrestling company will publish them.

Sable. You're gone. Again.

Ernest "The Cat" Miller. Moonwalk your way out of the WWE. Quickly. I watched his matches in WCW, his commentary on Velocity, and his schenanigans on Smackdown. It's over. No feud with McMahon. No match with A-Train. Maybe he can go back to having poorly choreographed backstage fights with the Jung Dragons. No more paychecks for The Cat. I need the money to pay for a couple hirings.

I'm hiring "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson (for reasons I'll explain shortly) and AJ Styles. If Styles is too caught up in NWA-TNA, my next choice is Ring of Honor technical marvel John Walters.

--WHAT TO DO WITH THE UNDERTAKER?--

I like Undertaker. Always have. However, even my fanboy vision can see that the Dead Man needs to step down. From time to time, with the right stipuation (Hell in a Cell) and the right opponent, Undertaker can still put on a show. He has great timing and psychology. Age won't take that from him. That being said, he needs to retire from the WWE. It is his time to make room for younger and better athletes.

I wouldn't simply hand him his walking papers, though. Not a chance. The Undertaker needs one last run. This time, he needs to do it as...well...The Undertaker. Not the biker. Not the man who speaks about "his yard." The real Undertaker. The old school Undertaker. It's not a step backward if the old version was better. Some new WWE fans have never even seen the zombie style Undertaker. They should. Everyone should.

In my Smackdown, he returns at the Royal Rumble as the true Undertaker. At Survivor Series in November, he has his farewell match and puts over a young talent the way he did with Brock Lesnar. That would be his purpose in 2004. Putting over the new blood. John Cena, Rhyno, etc. He'll win sometimes but mostly he'll have to lose. Don't worry. That won't hurt him. The Undertaker is bulletproof. Besides, everyone knows wrestlers go out looking at the ceiling.

--MIDDLE CARD--

My United States Champion is John Cena. He'll have his chance at the main event, but for the time being, he needs to improve in the midcard ranks. He had a exemplary year in 2003, but one mistake was made. He was turned face. Cena is better as a heel or tweener. There was talk, albeit briefly, of making John Cena the next "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Having him do whatever he wants, attack faces, attack heels, attack everyone. It can work. Just a few weeks ago, Austin stunned fan favorite Stacy Keibler somehow to a huge ovation. That's what I want from Cena. The idea was proposed by Michael Hayes of the Fabulous Freebirds fame, but it was rejected. I want Hayes on my booking staff.

Lead contender for the United States Championship would be AJ Styles. For those WWE fans who have never seen Styles wrestle, believe me when I say he is one of the top young workers in the country. If I could bring him or John Walters over, wonderful. If not, the current roster has plenty with which to work. Rhyno and Edge come to mind. Yes, Edge will be returning to active duty this year. Looking forward to it.

--CRUISERWEIGHTS--

In the final months of WCW, there were two big reasons to still watch: the cruiserweight division and Lance Storm. The Canadian grappler received his greatest push to date, part of which was in said division. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time to let him work all his magic. Fortunately, this column is pure fantasy, so I have all the time in the world. As my Cruiserweight Champion, Lance Storm would play the dominating and arrogant heel competing against all opponents. Enough of this cabbage patch dancing Storm they've shoved down our throats on Raw. Let the man tell us he is better than us because he's "from Calgary...Alberta, Canada!"

Storm's weight would just narrowly allow him access to the division, but he can play the "big cruiserweight" who can tower over the other smaller ones. Much in the way Chris Jericho did in WCW and Matt Hardy did last year. As there is no place on Smackdown for bikini contests, I have a place for Dawn Marie: Storm's manager. A nod to the ECW days. The second biggest heel in the division would be Chavo Guerrero. Fresh from his feud with uncle Eddie, Chavo would be a big name. His talents in the ring speak for himself, but I've noticed, only recently, that he isn't half bad on the microphone either. Of course, the matches I've seen of him in WCW mostly come from tapes and those never showed interviews.

The lead babyfaces in the divison would be Rey Misterio and Ultimo Dragon. There are so many solid cruisers that it is difficult to assign those top spots. I love Nunzio, Jamie Noble, and Funaki. They'll have Pay-Per-Views along with the top names. Billy Kidman impresses me sometimes too. Pair him up with real life wife Torrie Wilson. I have ideas for some cruisers in another division, though...

--TAG TEAMS--

My WWE Tag Team Champions are The World's Greatest Tag Team, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. First things first. No more "Self-Proclaimed" as part of their name. It's already long enough. Next, give them back the straps in a three-way dance involving the Basham Brothers (currently champs), Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi, and WGTT. Bashams drop the belts to Haas and Benjamin. During the match, WGTT "injures" Rikishi taking him off television for a couple weeks to sell it. He goes to Velocity on his return. Scotty, who is without Rikishi and seeking revenge, teams up with his new permanent partner Shannon Moore. See? I have plans for cruisers. They feud. WGTT wins and continues a massive winning streak.

Meanwhile, on Velocity, new signee "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson is tagging with old Texas Wrestling Academy and Ring of Honor chum Paul London. Brian "Spanky" Kendrick quit WWE recently, which leaves one of my favorite cruisers without a partner. That's why we need Danielson. He and London have excellent chemistry with one another, as seen in their Match of the Year Candidate bout in Ring of Honor. Two out of three falls going for over forty minutes. These two can go.

Anyway, Danielson and London grow in popularity and when it is time to debut on Smackdown, they upset WGTT in a non-title match. These two teams will feud in the next few months as the top teams on Smackdown. WGTT will need to drop the belts once, but they will regain them shortly. It is best is London and Danielson are seen as the babyface underdogs.

The Basham Brothers will have their chance later. I simply don't see them as the champions right now. I'd also like to team Tajiri and Akio (Jimmy Yang) and ditch Sakoda for Velocity. The two Japanese stars can be added as the third main tag team as the WGTT/London-Danielson feud finishes. Maybe Shannon Moore and Scotty 2 Hotty can see the title hunt too. It depends on how well they mesh as a team.

--ODDS AND ENDS--

-I am tempted to remove Michael Cole as Smackdown play-by-play man and give the job to Paul Heyman...but I can't. Cole tries so hard, and he obviously cares a lot about the wrestling business. He simply needs to be told to stop calling himself "Shoelace" and saying ridiculous and forced exclamations like "In the name of the Guerrero family, stop this!"

-Heyman remains as General Manager but stays out of the storylines. He shows up on camera to book the matches and make a few comments. That's it. Let the stories be told by the wrestlers.

-No non-wrestlers in matches. That means you, Stephanie. In fact, stay off my television altogether. I have to admit, a long time ago, I had a little crush on the young lady. Now, as she as bought an absurd new body, competed in matches that should have been given to actual workers, and consistently yells in my ear, I can't stand her.

-Less talk. More wrestling.

--CONCLUSION--

I have enjoyed playing puppetmaster to the WWE. I hope that in the future, when I complain about the direction of the company (and I will) and someone tells me "Let's see you do better," I can simply print out a copy of this essay. My drawn-out explanations take too long, as you can no doubt tell from this two-part column. A week ago, I asked my good readers what they would do to Raw. Check the mailbag section below for a few excerpts. Have any ideas for Smackdown? E-mail me at Trophar@Lycos.com with your thoughts and I will post some.

Thank you for reading Beauty in Wrestling. Check back soon. I have something big in the oven that's almost ready for the table.