HOSS OF PAIN

hoss (hôs) n. Slang

1. A massive man.

2. An overly macho individual.

3. A large wrestler who can't wrestle.

There is a constant in the WWE. One that has lived on, unfortunately, for many years and will almost certainly thrive well into this new century. It is a constant far beyond "anything can happen in the WWE" and much more real than "the wrestling business is cyclical." The constant is simply this:

"In the WWE, the hoss rules."

It's not something that is said in public by vice presidents and chairmen like the first two constants, but it is just as much there, if not moreso. It exists. We see it evident in Raw and Smackdown today, and we've seen it long ago during Saturday Night Main Event and Superstars. It is most definately the constant of the company. Which begs the question from the uninformed: "What is a hoss?" Well, if my handy and half-joke of a dictionary entry didn't explain it well enough, allow me better delve deeper into who and what is a wrestling hoss...

By many standards in the professional wrestling fan and critic community, a hoss is simply any wrestler who reaches either (or in many cases both) the 6'6" mark or 300 pounds. To some, a hoss is a big wrestler. That's it. I don't subscribe to that definition, though. Wrestlers of those measurements are diverse enough not to be put into one category of worker. In my book, a true hoss is a man of those measurements as well as poor in-ring abilities. Limited by their body, mind, or both. So, who is a hoss by my standards?

Certainly not The Undertaker. While obviously his frame is well over 6'6" and 300 pounds, he has been a solid worker for more than a decade in the WWF/E. He has ring psychology, technique, timing, and for a man his size, his movements are methodical and rarely sloppy. Something very important for someone of dangerous proportions. Undertaker may not be the worker he was in the past, but age will do that to a man. From time to time, he can still pull off a good match. Brock Lesnar is no hoss. Yes, he nears the 300 pound point, but he has such technical knowledge that his overblown body doesn't slow him down too much. Kane and Test are open for debate.

"Hoss," from where I sit, is the generalized term for a big man who can't wrestle well. We've seen them over the years. Sid Vicious, Giant Gonzales, and Kevin Nash come to mind. The WWE believes that the fans are so dim that we'll see a huge monster of a man and stand in awe of their size, regardless of whether or not they can do anything in the ring. It's also widely believed that Vince McMahon himself has quite a fetish for hosses. After all, he's not interested in wrestling. He's interested in sports entertainment. Hosses have "marketable" looks in McMahon's eyes. Wrestlers around or less than 6 feet and 230 pounds must be dynamite in the ring to get the amount of television time that a talentless 6'9" 300 pound behemoth receives. Look up and down the WWE roster. It's as plain as day.

The subject of today's column is that of specific hoss. One who embodies everything that a hoss is and everything a wrestler shouldn't be: Nathan Jones.

Nathan Jones must be Vince McMahon's dream come true. A towering near-seven foot man whose gimmick is already written before the WWE got its hands on him. Jones was sentenced to ten years in an Australian prison for armed robbery. While incarcerated, Jones lifted weights and gained infamy as the "Colossus of Boggo Road," named after said prison. He's a mountain of a man who is legitimately dangerous.

Sounds like a great professional wrestler, eh Vince?

Nathan Jones can't wrestle. I have seen him in WWA, dark matches, and more recently as part of the Smackdown roster. He is sloppy in the ring. So much, in fact, that some of his moves have been edited for television. During a televised encounter with another wrestler, Jones attempted a few kicks and landed hard on his posterior more than once. It was edited for television. Rookie mistakes? Maybe, but mistakes can sometimes be costly.

Let's look at another hoss and how he compares to Nathan Jones. The man is Ahmed Johnson, known later in his career as Big T. Johnson was a hoss in every sense of the word. Massive. Undisciplined. Dangerous. Stiff work can be tolerated (and even encouraged at times) amoung cruiserweights, but for a man like Ahmed, it was a powder keg waiting to explode. As I understand it, he banged and bruised many a wrestler in his tenure in the old WWF and wasn't much better in WCW. Jones is even bigger than Johnson. An undisciplined wrestler is one of the worst hazards in the business. Just ask Bret Hart's skull.

Jones was recently given a spot in a major Pay-Per-View match at last month's Survivor Series. He teamed with Brock Lesnar, The Big Show, Matt Morgan, and A-Train in what John Cena referred to as "Team Sasquatch." Before the PPV and now weeks later, Nathan Jones was and is a regular wrestler on Smackdown. His towering body eclipsing talented superstars who rarely see the brand's main show. Nathan Jones is the epitome of a hoss.

What is it that makes Nathan Jones, and others like him, a hoss?

Is is his size alone? No. The Undertaker and others I've mentioned have proven that a near seven-foot body does not instantly equal a bad worker. I believe the fault lies on the people who hired Jones. Not everyone can wrestle well. It's as simple as that. The WWE hands the ball to huge men without much thought to their ability. Why? Because Nathan Jones has a marketable background and image. His history, coupled with his psychopath expression, equals dollars in the minds of the WWE bookers. They are under the impression that we prefer it this way. Since it has worked in the past with Hulk Hogan, they will continue with it into the future. I know they will. Even after the massive losses in the past two years, the WWE is giving top spots to the same people.

If there is any doubt as to who, look at the name on the Survivor Series bulldozer that buried a man in dirt...

Fitting, since it is the hosses who are burying quality wrestling.