I'M A DREAMER

"Shut up and wrestle!"

It is something I often think, and occassionally say out loud, as I watch Monday Night Raw or Smackdown. The opening monologue rarely brings me any joy. The so-called storylines only catch my attention once every blue moon. Throughout much of my life-long fascination with professional wrestling, I've felt that there needs to be far less entertainment and far more sports. I realize, of course, that the sport itself is entertainment, but I trust you know what it is I am saying.

A few days ago, I was watching a recording of an incredible Ring of Honor match. For those who haven't seen ROH, it is an independent wrestling company which features (brace yourselves!) wrestling. Just wrestling. A few sprinkles of storylines and non-athletic entertainment, but by and large, it's just wrestling. Great wrestling.

Fantastic wrestling, in this case. The match in question was AJ Styles vs. Paul London vs. Low-Ki. Three phenomenal athletes with varying experience in the ring. "This is what wrestling should be!" I exclaimed. It's much better than sitting through two hours of Raw programming to see only a few matches, almost none of which will last more than eight minutes or so. "I'd much rather watch wrestling all the way through than sit through the storylines that the WWE feeds me," I thought to myself.

Then...an epiphany.

While the hunger for more wrestling in my wrestling programs may be part of my dissatisfaction with WWE's non-grappling entertainment, perhaps it runs deeper. Maybe, just maybe, it is not so much that sports entertainment exists. Rather, it's the fact that sports entertainment is almost always poorly written. If it were captivating and well-crafted, would I still be yelling at my television set for more matches?

A few days ago, I watched the 1970's film noir classic, Chinatown. For those who don't follow detective movies, it stars Jack Nicholson as private eye Jake Gittes, investigating the murder of a man in charge of supplying water to much of California. Brilliant movie. Clever dialogue. Standard excellent performance by the Oscar award-winning Nicholson. Soon after, I watched the sequel, The Two Jakes. Not as good, but it had it's moments.

Now, before I go overboard, I am not insisting that WWE hire the world's best writers to produce storylines on the level of Chinatown or even The Two Jakes. This editorial may be called "I'm a Dreamer," but it's not called "I'm an Ignoramus." What I am suggesting, instead, is that WWE could simply do better. As of this moment, I believe the most notable writer on either Raw or Smackdown's staff is someone who once wrote sketches for a late-night talk show. Seriously.

Let's review some of this year's worst stories and missed opportunities...

Sean O'Haire is given what could have potentially been an incredible ongoing story. He tempts the superstars of Smackdown with his wise words, only to put them in harm's way every time. It worked for about a week after he debuted. Then, the powers that be told him to shut up and saddled him with Roddy Piper.

Triple H vs. Scott Steiner. How to build a feud between the man who is (perhaps unfortunately) the biggest star in the WWE with the man who was (arguably) the biggest star in the latter days of WCW? Why, with arm wrestling contests and pose-downs. Pose-downs? Pose-downs.

Stacy Keibler was accidentally struck by Chris Jericho. When he refused to apologize, Test became enraged and sought revenge. Not too bad, except that it was never blown off at a Pay-Per-View. The WWE decided to punish Test for missing a show due to a blizzard. The story was forgotten.

Steve Austin and Eric Bischoff's redneck tri-athalon. Mae Young giving Bischoff a bronco buster on Pay-Per-View. Not Raw. Pay-Per-View.

Practically everything the Full-Blooded Italians have done or said all year.

La Resistance. Hey, Dupre! Michael Hayes called. He wants his sparkly cape back!

Mr. America. Now, here's a real mystery for Jake Gittes...

Al Wilson. Need I say more?

Of course, there have been some points of interest this year. Mick Foley returns, produces some great television and receives the hardcore belt as an award to his years of service...only to be attacked by Evolution and mocked by Vince McMahon. Foley is always a sympathetic character, so it's easy to feel for him.

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho was a beautiful feud. Both men spoke well on the microphone, as is common. The feud was given life by the history of Jericho and his immitation of HBK over the years. Plus, it lasted months until the Wrestlemania pay-off.

Booker T vs. Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship. Triple H making thinly-veiled racial comments towards Booker was very powerful. In my application to join Rajahwwf.com, I showed a column I wrote during this feud about the delicacy of pulling the race card in professional wrestling. I think the WWE did it well this time.

Kane's story in recent months has held my interest. Unmasking and revealing that he is not physically scarred but emotionally scarred to the point where he has a distorted self image. Also, when he spun around in Austin's General Manager chair like a James Bond villian, I was grinning like an idiot.

These are exceptions, though. Not the rule. Every other wrestling angle is about someone "screwing" someone else out of a victory or turning on their tag team partner or former friend. Sometimes, these happen at the very same time, as it is now with Rhyno turning on his friend, Chris Benoit, and Brock Lesnar turning on his friend, Kurt Angle. Neither had much of a reason either. Stories are rehashed, recycles, reused and, in the case of the audience, regurgitated.

In the critically-acclaimed and highly controversial wrestling documentary, Beyond the Mat, Vince McMahon sat down for an interview. If memory serves, the very first words out of his mouth when asked about his wrestling company were "We make movies."

Prove it.